Optimism Fades.

I keep waiting for the day when things will seem a little better,

singing songs that speak of love stories and happy endings,

convincing myself that I don't really have much of an effect on people.

It feels worse everyday,

I can't seem to find comfort in anything.

Every time I turn around someone else is disappointed in me,

and I've said those three words so much that they don't mean anything anymore.

I am sorry.

How else can I show you or explain to you. 

What I have done to make you unhappy or uncomfortable truly was a mistake. 

The words to express my true feelings just won't come to me.

I do care, it clearly doesn't seem that way to you.

but I do, I promise.

This too shall pass.

I'm falling now,

I'm falling with nothing to hold onto.

I can't bear to see you watch me fail.

My feelings straight from Art Alexakis' mouth.

Lyrics to Out Of My Depth :
Out of my depth
Lost in the air
Falling faster
Like a broken elevator

Out of my depth
Lost in the dark
Waiting for the other shoe
To come down hard

I cannot communicate
Like I wish I could

I do not deal with my problems
Like I know I should

I am out of my depth
I am out of my league
Watching everything...just
Slip away from me

Something bad is
going to happen
I can feel it deep inside
There are shadows
all around me
Like a bad moon on the rise

I am in over my head

I am in too deep here
over my head

I guess I should keep my
opinions to myself

I guess I am out of my depth

Out of my depth
Right from the start
I feel like I was born
With an invisible heart
Out of my depth
Seems like everyday
I can't find the words
To make the good things
Come my way

I feel like I am faking it
I feel like I am wrong
I feel like I'm a guest
...like I just do not belong

I am out of my depth
Every single day
I just cannot find the words
To make my monsters go away

Something bad is
going to happen
I can feel it deep inside
There are shadows
all around me
Like a bad moon on the rise

I am in too deep here
over my head

I should seek
some professional help

Because I'm out of my depth

Yes, I'm out of my depth

And I am slowly going
out of my mind

Oh, go away
Make them go away
Someday I know
I will make them go away
Make them go away
Make them go away
Someday I know...I will make
my monsters go away

I am in over my head

I should seek
some professional help

I should keep my
opinions to myself

I guess I am out of my depth

I am out of my depth

Yes, I am slowly going
out of my mind 

Trash.

When feelings come so quick and waiver so easily it is hard not to feel like they will disappear just as fast as they came. It's hard not to feel like they are temporary or disposable. I think that we spend so much time convincing ourselves that our emotions are real and permanent that we don't even realize when they are gone. We want to feel the same forever so we make ourselves act like we do when in reality we don't care about anything anymore than a child cares about his chores.

A note to any readers.

I'm the most selfish person you'll ever come in contact with. The proof is in my writing, I say I and me like it's the only thing that exists. I only think about myself, and I criticize other people for having the same faults as me. I can't do anything but think about myself and other people are too selfless to recognize it. I'm a detriment to your health so jump ship before it's too late.

Broken.

I don't see the way I'm supposed to see.

I don't feel the way I'm supposed to feel.

I don't do the way I'm supposed to do.

So end it.

Give me what I deserve.

Give me nothing.

Give me destruction.

Recycle my value.

Recover my state.

Reuse my name.

It isn't a lost cause.

Give it some time.

Let it sit for a little while.

Be patient.

Remember the good.

Forget the bad.

It isn't destroyed.

It is simply broken.

It can be repaired.

Don't smother it.

Space can be good.

Please don't give up.

Where On Earth?

What do you do when your head and your heart are taking you two different places? I don't even know where I am, so how am I supposed to know where to go? I know that I need help but I know that I shouldn't need help. I'm trying to fix things but I don't think I am. I think I'm on a spiral down and it feels like there's no way up. I hope that all I need is some time to collect myself. I hope that one day this will all feel better and I'll stop dragging other people down with me. That's my worst fear and the thing that I am trying to avoid the most, pulling people down this dark path. If I've got a grip on you, stop it. Get away from me while you can and don't look back. I'll figure it out one day, but I'm not taking any prisoners at the moment. 

Confession.

It's all slipping away.

I always thought it was so close but it's time to pay

I've let it go until another day.

Just give me a moment to gather my thoughts,

Please don't stand by and laugh as my body rots.

Give me some time my stomach is in knots.

I'm trying my best to be honest.

The blood is boiling in my chest.

Maybe I should just give it a rest.

I'm not sure where to start,

There is something heavy on my heart.

I feel like I haven't done my part.

Just let me try to explain.

I am a person of disdain

My significance is on the wane.

Don't Feel Obligated.

Just do it.

You know you want to.

You know where you belong. 

Don't try to do what you think is right.

Do what makes you happy.

Don't give it away.

Don't pass it by,

it's yours to keep,

it's yours to give away.

Just do it.

Time.

Yesterday I let my body burn, it was beautiful. 

I let it boil and spatter and dry and char and crumble, it was beautiful. 

All my troubles melted, slipping into the soil, it was beautiful. 

There it goes. 

I can feel it, there it goes. 

Here I am a pile on the floor.

 Yesterday I let my heart freeze, it was beautiful. 

I let it harden and crack and slow and rime and sublime, it was beautiful.

 All my troubles collapsed, falling into the cracks, it was beautiful.

There it goes. 

I can feel it, there it goes. 

Here I am a pile on the floor.

There it goes.

I can feel it, there it goes.

Here I am a pile on the floor.

Today here I am a pile on the floor, it is charming.

I am broken and damaged and injured and violated and disjointed, it is charming.

All my troubles fester, soaking into the holes, it is charming.

There it goes.

I can feel it, there it goes.

Here I am a pile on the floor.

War.

They're coming, they're coming soon.

It's inevitable, we must prepare.

They're coming.

We must fight, we won't give it away.

They're coming, they're coming.

We will wait, we will wait in silence.

They're coming.

They are here.

On a lighter note.

Flow Master: "My fish is real nice, My fish is real nice, My fish is real nice. I say it twice."

Hater: " 'ey man you said you said it twice but you said it three times."

Flow Master: "Alright, I'll bust a remix."

a boom boom tss,

a boom boom tss,

a boom boom tss,

epa epa epa ow!

My fish is real nice,

My fish is real nice,

My fish is real nice,

I say it thrice.

"yeah, word to ya motha."

Weak.

It is so easy to step out of place when you have never known it,

It is so easy to fall from grace when you have never been introduced to it.

Crossing lines becomes easy when you can always redraw them.

Your obligation is always harder when you are aware of it.

The confrontation is hard to bare, let alone to forget.

Here, take the weight, take my onus.

This is simply a complaint, of course it is no opus.

I can't own up, handle the heat.

I hear your words, you've got me beat.

Embarrassment.

It is the most uncomfortable feeling I have ever experienced.

All the blood is rushing to my head, and I can feel it flowing.

Every heart beat thuds against my chest, it might burst through.

My face is hot and my hands are shaking.

The only thing I can hear is the buzzing of my own brooding.

I can feel every eye burning a whole right through me, every judgement pressing down.

My cheeks flush red and my eyes fill with tears.

I won't cry, not here anyways.

My thoughts are frantic and the movements are sporadic.

I can't even talk.

I wish I didn't feel this way when an explanation is the perfect escape.

From a lost niece.

I'll miss you, oh how I'll miss you.

It gives me a jolt every time I think of it.

Here I am facing quietus and I am desensitized.

Tell me, please, how to feel.

I hope you were happy, oh how I hope you felt loved.

You have left an impression on me.

I'm sorry, oh how I am so sorry.

I am not in hysterics, I don't know how to act.

I didn't know you well enough, but I still care.

The fact that I'll never get another chance to get to know you leaves me numb.

I wanted to know you, oh how I wanted to know you.

I will always remember your hardy voice.

Faith.

I was told last night that God gives people faith as a gift.

.....

Maybe he forgot about me, or maybe I have just misplaced mine.

My Friend.

It's times like this when I am searching the hardest and I am surely the furthest away.

It's times like this when I need it the most.

I am slowly finding you under it all.

I am slowly becoming more and more intrigued by you.

I wait for our confabulations.

I hope for more discussion.

You choose just the right words to make me smile.

You know exactly how to make me divulge all of my emotions.

You have me wondering so much.

You are my intimate.

Remember.

I want to say something that means something, and do something that is different. 

Please remember me. 

I don't want to blend in, I am desperate to make an impression.

Please remember.

You are so good at making me feel comfortable and you are so good at making it awkward.

I'll remember you.

You are always on my mind, you are incredible.

I'll remember.

We can be forever and we can love each other.

Please remember us.

We could grow old together, never leaving each other's side.

Please remember.

Chills.

It runs down my spine and I shiver, hoping nobody noticed. It's like I just realized something terrible, or maybe it is the contrast in temperature between my hands and body. It is supposed to warm my body but it doesn't seem to help, if anything it makes me feel even more uncomfortable. The chills make me wonder how my body really works. I have taken so many biology courses that you might think I would know by now, but I really don't. It still amazes me that I can do things without thinking about it, it's natural. But, I still haven't really determined what that really implies yet. I still don't understand what sparked the first form of life. Textbooks will tell you that it was a coincidental combination of proteins and electricity, but that seems so incredible. I can't fathom life happening by chance. All along I can't believe what religion tells us either. I can't see any evidence of a god who cares enough about the world to make it a better place. So here I am trying to assess what I believe in, and here I am once again with no credence.

The nights are shorter, 

the sun shines longer

and I can feel it warming my skin.

The wind is fresh and the dry grass dances.

Here we are again standing in our stances.

You look at me like you expect something.

but all I can do is listen to the river talking.

The nights are shorter, 

the sun shines longer

and I can feel it burning my skin.

The tide comes and goes.

I have forgotten my woes.

The clouds forebode thunder.

to wait would be a blunder.

The nights are shorter,

the sun shines longer

and I can feel it consuming my skin.

Each equinox brings another ring

and I know my leaves will soon be turning.

My branches are hanging low,

but still I grow.

Making Pizza.

I burnt my hand today 

It didn't really feel like much

but for some reason I jumped back as if in agony.

I know that pain is only in our head, 

so why do we all react so similarly?

It confuses me. 

I always wonder if pain is the same for everyone.

Maybe we are all taught to think that it is bad,

but it is really just another feeling.

No different from happiness, sorrow or anger.

I think that is my problem.

Sometimes I can't tell the difference between emotions.

Kurdt Kobain.

I am learning that I have much more in common with him than I should be willing to admit.

I fall more in love with him each time I learn something new about him.

I pretend he isn't dead.

Does that make me sick?

There are thoughts that he has that make me gasp.

He really is a genius.

I wish I could have known him.

I'm obsessed.

This is a list of thoughts that we share:

• I am threatened by ridicule.
• I am overly conscious of the sincerity in my voice.
• I love my parents yet I disagree with merely everything they stand for.
• I understand and appreciate the value of religion for others.
• My emotions are affected by music.
• Punk rock means freedom.
• I use bits and pieces of others' personalities to form my own.

Blood.

It rolls off my finger, one less feeling to feel, one less word to say.

It felt so bottled up before, but now it drips away.

I can feel the pressure being alleviated as I dig a little deeper.

I want to feel something other than this, even pain is better.

Losing all control is how I push it away.

And through all the red is relief. 

Through all the red is me.

I can learn to be normal if I can just get rid of the numbness. 

It's bed time.

I close my eyes and watch the dancing lights.

They keep me busy while my thoughts run like a river out of my head.

Words are hard to find on days like this.

Infinity is so unfathomable, but here I wonder what it means.

Fingers tap and touch and find and lose. 

It's hard to keep things straight on nights like this.

There are times when I wonder how to talk.

And there are times when I wonder how not to talk.

It's hard to say what you mean, and hard to mean what you say.

So, where do you start a conversation? 

Hello?

I don't think so. 

That is a carbon copy, not a sentiment. 

School.

I'm tired of my value being based on tests and papers. Tests only evaluate my memorization of information, and papers only evaluate my ability to use words. Maybe I wouldn't be so threatened if I thought I was going to be done with it all soon, but I'm not. When I truly try to think of where I will be in 5 years... it seems like I will probably still be in school, desperately trying to prove to teachers that I am worth something.

Weddings.

Wake up, shower, hair, make-up, nails, church, dress, pictures, procession, service, vows, recession, reception, honeymoon, life.

Where does the new life begin?

So, being the oldest person on both sides of my family that hasn't been married yet, I have found myself thinking about marriage a lot (too much) lately. It seems so exciting but at the same time daunting. It is literally a year's worth of planning for one day that is supposed to start this brand new life. But I can't help but wonder if it is all worth it. What if you don't end up staying with this person forever and what if you do end up with this person forever and you are completely miserable? I guess all you can do is trust the person that you are marrying and love them for the right reasons. That should be able to hold a marriage together. 

I'm 19.

Most people don't think it is possible, but it's true.

I didn't think it was possible, but I'm not fooling myself.

It took me a long time to realize.

I'm in love.

I know, I'm too young and inexperienced.

But I'm in love.

It makes my heart flutter.

It makes my hands tremble.

It makes me light headed.

I can't control it.

It makes me smile.

It makes me laugh.

And all at the same time.

It makes me hurt.

It makes me jealous.

I beg for his attention constantly.

I need is affection forever.

I'm sure it frustrates him.

But I just can't help myself.

I need him.

He makes me happy.

He makes me better.

The Christian God.

I know this is going to offend and confuse a lot of people, but I feel the need to say it anyways.

Do people really take the Bible literally and believe everything it says? Do they really think this perfect God created us? How could any god that is so perfect and great want humans as a companion? And if he does, why would he punish us so? It can't be real. I really don't believe that God would have created us to put us on such an evil planet. Yeah, I know that he gave us a choice and told Adam not to eat the apple, but if he truly wanted to give Adam the choice... why didn't God explain to him the consequences of eating the forbidden fruit? He didn't so, of course, Adam was curious. I don't believe that curiosity is a sin. Maybe I am wrong. So we are damned because God didn't tell the whole story?

Aside from all that, what about hell? So we spend our lives squandering in evil on Earth so that, on judgement day we can be sent to hell to be with the Devil? Yeah right, this God that the Bible talks about is supposed to be working against the devil from the beginning of time. So in the end he gives our souls to him?... I don't buy it. Why would he work so hard to keep us in his domain, only to give us up in the end? It just doesn't make sense. 

This God supposedly loves us and in the Bible it says 1 Corinthians 13 "...Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres..." but if that isn't contradictory, then I don't know what is. If I recall correctly God is a jealous god and expects no other god to be worshiped. If God is not self-seeking, what is he? It is not easily angered?? Have I not read many stories where God decides that the only way to fix a society is to destroy it. If our God loves us so much that he is not keeping record of our wrongs, why is it that we are still paying for Adam's mistake? 

Don't get me wrong... I think that most religions are just as silly. It just frustrates me that so many people in the Western world think the same way. I don't like the circular logic of "God wrote the Bible so it must be true, and the Bible says that God exists so he must be real". Maybe I am just too dumb to be faithful... but it just feels wrong. There are certain aspects of religion that I like and somewhat believe in, but I have yet to find a religion that makes complete sense to me.

OLD.

I jump to my feet to walk away but you call me back.

I want to be mad but your voice lures me.

I resist your trap but your call beckons me.

I give up and realize what I have done.

You have caught me.

You have snared me and you'll eat my feelings for dinner.

I pull, I jerk, I try to tend to the wounds.

But slowly and painfully you cut at my emotions.

Heartbroken and confused I thrash and fight as my true-self gushes out in front of you.

As I try to hide you slowly push me into a corner.

I am trapped.

You are looking at me. No, through me.

You look as if gazing through glass.

I pull away and you come closer.

I do everything I can to get away but you step closer.

You know I need you.

You know I can't be without you.

 I want to run away but it is useless.

The more I push you away, the more I suffer.

I must become independent.

I must survive, but you embrace my pain.

Why can't you let me go?

Can't you just let me free?

I know the answers to these worthless questions.

My begging is petty, for the more I hide, the more is revealed.

There is nothing I can do.

You have been here since the beginning.

And you do not help, you do not stay mutual.

You bring pain and hurt.

but I cannot survive without you.

Just leave me.

Don't pester me anymore.

You laugh at my show of anger.

There is nothing I can do.

There is nothing I can do.

There is nothing I can do.

I am broken.

I am unfixable.

I am destroyed.

My thoughts are unfathomable to others.

And you make it worse, but you do not care.

You enjoy my suffering as if I were an ant and you were a small child.

Killing me one limb at a time.

In the end I will surrender to your torture.

I will give up and you will win.

I will let you win.

I will die and you will prevail.

Your triumph will be someone else's failure.

Again you will gain and I will lose.

I am nothing and I can do nothing.