Kurdt Kobain.

I am learning that I have much more in common with him than I should be willing to admit.

I fall more in love with him each time I learn something new about him.

I pretend he isn't dead.

Does that make me sick?

There are thoughts that he has that make me gasp.

He really is a genius.

I wish I could have known him.

I'm obsessed.

This is a list of thoughts that we share:

• I am threatened by ridicule.
• I am overly conscious of the sincerity in my voice.
• I love my parents yet I disagree with merely everything they stand for.
• I understand and appreciate the value of religion for others.
• My emotions are affected by music.
• Punk rock means freedom.
• I use bits and pieces of others' personalities to form my own.

Blood.

It rolls off my finger, one less feeling to feel, one less word to say.

It felt so bottled up before, but now it drips away.

I can feel the pressure being alleviated as I dig a little deeper.

I want to feel something other than this, even pain is better.

Losing all control is how I push it away.

And through all the red is relief. 

Through all the red is me.

I can learn to be normal if I can just get rid of the numbness. 

It's bed time.

I close my eyes and watch the dancing lights.

They keep me busy while my thoughts run like a river out of my head.

Words are hard to find on days like this.

Infinity is so unfathomable, but here I wonder what it means.

Fingers tap and touch and find and lose. 

It's hard to keep things straight on nights like this.

There are times when I wonder how to talk.

And there are times when I wonder how not to talk.

It's hard to say what you mean, and hard to mean what you say.

So, where do you start a conversation? 

Hello?

I don't think so. 

That is a carbon copy, not a sentiment. 

School.

I'm tired of my value being based on tests and papers. Tests only evaluate my memorization of information, and papers only evaluate my ability to use words. Maybe I wouldn't be so threatened if I thought I was going to be done with it all soon, but I'm not. When I truly try to think of where I will be in 5 years... it seems like I will probably still be in school, desperately trying to prove to teachers that I am worth something.

Weddings.

Wake up, shower, hair, make-up, nails, church, dress, pictures, procession, service, vows, recession, reception, honeymoon, life.

Where does the new life begin?

So, being the oldest person on both sides of my family that hasn't been married yet, I have found myself thinking about marriage a lot (too much) lately. It seems so exciting but at the same time daunting. It is literally a year's worth of planning for one day that is supposed to start this brand new life. But I can't help but wonder if it is all worth it. What if you don't end up staying with this person forever and what if you do end up with this person forever and you are completely miserable? I guess all you can do is trust the person that you are marrying and love them for the right reasons. That should be able to hold a marriage together. 

I'm 19.

Most people don't think it is possible, but it's true.

I didn't think it was possible, but I'm not fooling myself.

It took me a long time to realize.

I'm in love.

I know, I'm too young and inexperienced.

But I'm in love.

It makes my heart flutter.

It makes my hands tremble.

It makes me light headed.

I can't control it.

It makes me smile.

It makes me laugh.

And all at the same time.

It makes me hurt.

It makes me jealous.

I beg for his attention constantly.

I need is affection forever.

I'm sure it frustrates him.

But I just can't help myself.

I need him.

He makes me happy.

He makes me better.

The Christian God.

I know this is going to offend and confuse a lot of people, but I feel the need to say it anyways.

Do people really take the Bible literally and believe everything it says? Do they really think this perfect God created us? How could any god that is so perfect and great want humans as a companion? And if he does, why would he punish us so? It can't be real. I really don't believe that God would have created us to put us on such an evil planet. Yeah, I know that he gave us a choice and told Adam not to eat the apple, but if he truly wanted to give Adam the choice... why didn't God explain to him the consequences of eating the forbidden fruit? He didn't so, of course, Adam was curious. I don't believe that curiosity is a sin. Maybe I am wrong. So we are damned because God didn't tell the whole story?

Aside from all that, what about hell? So we spend our lives squandering in evil on Earth so that, on judgement day we can be sent to hell to be with the Devil? Yeah right, this God that the Bible talks about is supposed to be working against the devil from the beginning of time. So in the end he gives our souls to him?... I don't buy it. Why would he work so hard to keep us in his domain, only to give us up in the end? It just doesn't make sense. 

This God supposedly loves us and in the Bible it says 1 Corinthians 13 "...Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres..." but if that isn't contradictory, then I don't know what is. If I recall correctly God is a jealous god and expects no other god to be worshiped. If God is not self-seeking, what is he? It is not easily angered?? Have I not read many stories where God decides that the only way to fix a society is to destroy it. If our God loves us so much that he is not keeping record of our wrongs, why is it that we are still paying for Adam's mistake? 

Don't get me wrong... I think that most religions are just as silly. It just frustrates me that so many people in the Western world think the same way. I don't like the circular logic of "God wrote the Bible so it must be true, and the Bible says that God exists so he must be real". Maybe I am just too dumb to be faithful... but it just feels wrong. There are certain aspects of religion that I like and somewhat believe in, but I have yet to find a religion that makes complete sense to me.

OLD.

I jump to my feet to walk away but you call me back.

I want to be mad but your voice lures me.

I resist your trap but your call beckons me.

I give up and realize what I have done.

You have caught me.

You have snared me and you'll eat my feelings for dinner.

I pull, I jerk, I try to tend to the wounds.

But slowly and painfully you cut at my emotions.

Heartbroken and confused I thrash and fight as my true-self gushes out in front of you.

As I try to hide you slowly push me into a corner.

I am trapped.

You are looking at me. No, through me.

You look as if gazing through glass.

I pull away and you come closer.

I do everything I can to get away but you step closer.

You know I need you.

You know I can't be without you.

 I want to run away but it is useless.

The more I push you away, the more I suffer.

I must become independent.

I must survive, but you embrace my pain.

Why can't you let me go?

Can't you just let me free?

I know the answers to these worthless questions.

My begging is petty, for the more I hide, the more is revealed.

There is nothing I can do.

You have been here since the beginning.

And you do not help, you do not stay mutual.

You bring pain and hurt.

but I cannot survive without you.

Just leave me.

Don't pester me anymore.

You laugh at my show of anger.

There is nothing I can do.

There is nothing I can do.

There is nothing I can do.

I am broken.

I am unfixable.

I am destroyed.

My thoughts are unfathomable to others.

And you make it worse, but you do not care.

You enjoy my suffering as if I were an ant and you were a small child.

Killing me one limb at a time.

In the end I will surrender to your torture.

I will give up and you will win.

I will let you win.

I will die and you will prevail.

Your triumph will be someone else's failure.

Again you will gain and I will lose.

I am nothing and I can do nothing.